Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
