btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
