Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
