i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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