My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
