Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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