I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
