Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
