If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
