i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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