there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
