What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
