literally had 100 drinks last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
