I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
