I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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