This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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