I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize