i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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