I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
