my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
