I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
