I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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