I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
