70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
