The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
