he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
