I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
