Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
