Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
