Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
