He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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