I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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