I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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