i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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