I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
