...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
