You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I supernannyed him into submission
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
