What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
