You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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