Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
