and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
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Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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