i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
