he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize