Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
