I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
