She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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