Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
