he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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