if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
