you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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