I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Randomize
