I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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