I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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