I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
