i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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