I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
