saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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