you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
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So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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