Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
