moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
